Depression, school and feeling ill

Its 1am and I'm still wide awake my life is so messed up at the moment, I should be doing my chemistry right now but I haven't got the motivation to do it, I wish someone was here to give me a big hug :( I haven't taken my medication as often as I should have in the last week, it tastes DISGUSTING and makes me feel sick, but I feel sick anyway, maybe that's the reason I feel so rubbish right now I don't really know why I'm writing this right now, I haven't actually got anything to say I just feel like having a massive rant about life... I woke up this morning with a really bad cold (even though I only had about 4 hours sleep grrrr) it feels like my head is stuffed with cotton wool and I have spent the whole day just feeling ill, I also feel bad because I need to be catching up on work but I can't concentrate :( this year is worse than last year already, the thought of going to school makes me feel ill, when I try to talk to my teachers about it I just get a lecture about how I'm in year 13 now and I need to take responsibility for myself, I know all of that I just find it so hard I'm lying here crying about it now I just want to be anyone but me. I want to cut myself so much right now my friend said I could text her whenever I need to but she isn't exactly happy at the moment (her mum died 18 months ago) and I don't wanna wake her up cause she has to go to work tomorrow, none of my facebook friends are online either :( there are only a few people I would actually talk to about how I feel, but even a random conversation could help. I hate it when I'm stuck in my own brain it feels even worse when its the middle of the night and all the sane people I know will be asleep... but yeah, back to the homework thing, I have one thing to say - I CANT COPE ANYMORE so far I'm doing my best to pretend everything is fine, or at least less bad than it really is to the people who know about stuff. I keep thinking I can hear someone coming even though no one else is awake, I feel really paranoid about stuff I just want to scream and kick something I have to go to school tomorrow my attendance is already down to 75% my chemistry isn't done I've lied to my teacher so many times that I've done it but the truth is I find it so hard to concentrate on anything that reading about CH₃(CH₂)₁₆COOH is just frying my brain. I really wanted things to be different this year, but instead of learning from my mistakes I'm just repeating them because I'm not strong enough to change. I know sitting here crying about it isnt gonna improve anything (im giving up on punctuation now sorry) but it just feels like im stuck in a big black hole, it would be quite nice if it was rectangle shaped and six feet under but that would be giving up and im too stubborn for that, plus i cried my eyes out when connor ended up in hospital, knowing my luck id fail anyway and would end up with more people trying to control my life grrrrrrrrrrrr im just so fed up when i am at school trying to work i end up with watson having a go at me im not scared of a small angry irishwoman even if she does have the power to log my computer off i just need to be left alone!!! i havent been to see the psychiatrist for ages, the first appointment had to be canceled because it was the morning of the first day of term, then i had to cancel it again because i had a chemistry trip thing my medication isnt really working but if i get them to change it its gonna take months to have an effect and i havent got months i need to sort my life out NOW i know that is way unrealistic but ive had enough now, im also meant to be starting CBT... im still paranoid theyre gonna make me draw rainbows or something :( anyway, im sorry if you just wasted some of your life reading this haha i could write more but i need to sleep, bye x

Schoolwork, insomnia and reasons I should not have facebook...

I'm so tired right now cause my sleeping times are so messed up, I lie awake all night then end up sleeping in the day so I can't sleep at night again, and it goes on and on like that :( I feel really really depressed today, not like I'm gonna cut myself depressed, just sad and kind of empty. Its weird cause I have so many different depressing feelings, some are angry and sad, some are frustrated and sad, and some are just plain miserable, I've cried through nearly half a box of tissues since last night...

I have so much schoolwork to do at the moment but I just can't find the motivation in me to get on with it, I hate it when I have to hide from teachers all day, and I hate being told how worried they are about my lack of work but I just can't do it. I don't know why I'm even in sixth form, I want to give up but there's a part of me that is so stubborn that makes me wanna finish it even if it kills me. I hate feeling like I'm being torn in two but I don't even know what I would do if I wasn't doing my A levels. I wish I could just move away to somewhere completely different and start again so I can be the person I want, not a confused falling apart mess like I am at the moment. All I want to do right now is crawl under my duvet and never ever come out again (except when I'm hungry!). There's family stuff going on at the moment as well that isn't helping (but I can't explain that right now)

And about the Facebook... yeah... it was a bad idea. It is way too distracting and there's some stuff on there you don't really wanna see (e.g. a few weeks ago I logged on and the first thing i saw was a picture of the boy I like kissing his girlfriend, not really what I needed then haha) And the messages... grrrr I hate it when people ignore them or don't reply, and the temptation to say what you think is just too much, I think I should delete one particular person off my friends list before I say anything else to make things worse. It feels like my world is collapsing and I end up taking it out on others which isn't fair on them :( 

I'm going to do some of my textiles work now, bye xx

p.s one other thing - I'm going to see Mallory Knox in Bristol on November 22nd!!! Best band ever :D YAY!!!

My random brain...

So this is gonna be my new way of dealing with stuff... Its weird typing everything knowing that random people will be able read it! One of the first things I wrote when I started my diary/book thing was 'my brain feels like tangled spaghetti' not a lot has changed since then haha and I don't always write in proper sentences by the way, so you kind of have to get used to it ;) In case you were wondering I'm 17 and have severe depression, I'm on medication but it isn't really working so far, I also self harm sometimes, I know its a really bad habit but it makes me feel like i'm in control of my life, even if its just for 5 minutes. This year I'm determined not to embarrass myself like I did in year 12 haha, that day I lost my temper, kicked a wall (sorry wall!) and ended up in A&E was horrible, I'm trying to find better ways to let my feelings out! I found someone on youtube called Laura Lejeune, she is really helpful if you are depressed :) Aw connor just wrote on my facebook wall, he gave me a 9 for my looks and 9 for my personality :D anyway... I'm really tired so I'm gonna to to sleep now, goodnight xx