Job hunting, girl issues and decorating...

i haven't been on here for aaaaages haha so much has happened since then xD i failed my a levels btw, CEU isn't exactly what i was hoping for, and i was the one that ruined mrs Bennett's 100% pass rate for A2 maths oops i feel a lot better now im not stuck in that prison haha i cbb with punctuation again this keyboard is annoying grrr haha i still don't have a job so no money at all i really want to learn to drive though! I got my mugshots done for my license tho im so ugly in them haha i dont wanna sound like a stuck up brat but ive decided im actually kinda pretty i  think xD i really want to work in construction for some reason (random change of subject but oh well, its how my brain works xP) the only thing that slightly puts me off is the fact that not many girls do it, in some ways that makes me more determined but i hate people looking at me, i hate it when idiots drive past n yell stuff at me, i really don't care what they think of me grrrrrr i don't wanna know if they think im fit or whatever just leave me alone! While im ranting about girl issues i might as well include other annoying things like hair n makeup n pressure to look perfect n periods (this is another million issues in itself, spending a week trying to avoid walking around is hard!) n twisted bra straps (actually kinda painful if the clips dig in lol) boys don't have to deal with all that, and that's before you get onto childbirth haha, it sounds like enough to put me off children for life! Im so tired right now but i don't feel sleepy, ive spent ages crying and listening to music cause my big black shadow if depression is following me as around again i hate it we're decorating mine n beanies room atm I've had no space of my own for a week now its starting to drive everyone crazy cause there's boxes of stuff everywhere upstairs getting dressed is a massive complicated fuss cause there's stuff in front of the wardrobes its gonna b amazing when its finished but i want my bed back now haha im just randomly waffling on about nothing again lol its what it does best though i love just writing or typing n letting all my random thoughts out, its slightly harder when you know SOMEONE is waiting to read it im gonna end up putting a load of sappy stuff on here cause i love my evil genius ninja dwarf, even if it takes forever til he can actually b my boyfriend xD haha ive got the bestest best friends in the world they help me so much, i find it so hard to let people in (hey random people reading this i don't know you so i dont mind if you know stuff about me haha) i hide stuff from nearly all the people im close to, its not that i don't trust people im just scared of letting them see how bad i get sometimes, i scare myself enough with how close ive been to ending my life, but it would i was watching the music video for pink - perfect, it reminded me of myself in more ways than id like but i think im probably at the part when she realises she does want to live, I've finally found my reason to be happy xD n the only way i could b happier is if i could actually fall asleep cuddled up to him haha idec if im being a sap i love imagining the future it gives me something to look forward to xP i should probably shut up now haha this has taken me a few days to write and I've been through so many moods so sorry if it doesn't make much sense haha I'll write another one soon xP bye x

Life, gingers and my ideas for my future ♥

Hello again :D i accidentally just put my last post on here again, i dont even know how haha
my life is finally starting to get a tiny bit better, I know what i'm doing in september!! even my teachers are shocked lol and i still really really like gingers (Hayley, i dont even care if random people on the internet know now, gingers are cool :P) hahaha yes i'm a bit weird but i'm sort of happy today yay i'm typing this on the computer in textiles, because i still have no motivation to do anything and its FREEZING in here, (the heating doesnt work again dammit) and my fingers are starting to go numb...
so about college, i'm starting an art and design course in september!!! so excited lol i need a fresh start, new friends, somewhere different :) i went to the open evening on monday, it was amazing, all the people there are really friendly and it all seems more grown up than stuff in the sixth form, plus you dont have to wear a stupid uniform (i hate ties so much and it gives teachers ANOTHER reason to complain about me, just in case they dont have enough already grrrrr) i made a new friend there too, well ok i didnt actually speak to him but i added him on fb then he started talking to me xD he's plays guitar in a band that were playing all evening, he's really funny and easy to talk to (and he's ginger and kinda cute... i'll just shut up now, callum i hope you never ever read this haha xP) and i ended up telling him about my stupid depression and i have anxiety now too grrrrrrr now i'm 18 i've been kicked out of the mental place i went to before, actually that makes it sound really bad!! basically i'm being referred to an adult psychologist instead of a child one, then i can finally get someone to change my medication yay :D i have a new favourite band now and they're called flyleaf :) I'm gonna go and flick more paint around for my textiles coursework now theres no teachers to say i have to go to art instead :P and i will start writing here more often i promise...
keep smiling xxx

p.s. and i'm starting my own shop on etsy to sell stuff i've made and earn some money, more about that soon :)

umm... cant think of a title!!

I'm back xD and I actually feel ok at the moment and its been 6 whole weeks since I last cut myself things aren't that bad at the moment (I still don't use punctuation sorry haha) I'm sitting on my bed in a really tidy room writing chemistry revision notes, my mum thinks I've been kidnapped by aliens LOL she's always telling me to sort my life out and as soon as I do something I'm meant to do everyone goes into shock grrrr I can't win :P I'm going to start writing in this more often but not on the kindle because the keyboard is too annoying I've finally got an idea in my head of what I want to do when I grow up (yes I am nearly 18 years old but I'm still about a zillion miles from being a sensible adult even though I finish sixth form in the summer, scary!!) My dad says it's called civil engineering it's like designing bridges and stuff it would make me think but still be interesting cause I get bored so easily we went to this careers thing and I was going round every stall looking for ideas, and the company I was looking at do apprenticeships yay I still refuse to go to uni though whatever my teachers think of my decision its my life not theirs and I don't think I could cope 1 or 2 happy days does not mean my life is better, there's still a loooong way to go on that haha I've typed loads already there's loads of fireworks outside and theyre so loud but i can't see them I'm trying to catch up on all my textiles work too I'm determined to meet every deadline this year and show everyone that I did learn something from all my mistakes last year haha it was so bad at the end of June I'm so glad half of its over and didn't just give up then like I wanted to, because I knew it would be one of those decisions I'd regret when I'm older... I'm gonna go and make myself a giant mug of coffee now, byeeee (sorry I'm way hyper I've had too many jammy teacake things :P) xxx