Job hunting, girl issues and decorating...

i haven't been on here for aaaaages haha so much has happened since then xD i failed my a levels btw, CEU isn't exactly what i was hoping for, and i was the one that ruined mrs Bennett's 100% pass rate for A2 maths oops i feel a lot better now im not stuck in that prison haha i cbb with punctuation again this keyboard is annoying grrr haha i still don't have a job so no money at all i really want to learn to drive though! I got my mugshots done for my license tho im so ugly in them haha i dont wanna sound like a stuck up brat but ive decided im actually kinda pretty i  think xD i really want to work in construction for some reason (random change of subject but oh well, its how my brain works xP) the only thing that slightly puts me off is the fact that not many girls do it, in some ways that makes me more determined but i hate people looking at me, i hate it when idiots drive past n yell stuff at me, i really don't care what they think of me grrrrrr i don't wanna know if they think im fit or whatever just leave me alone! While im ranting about girl issues i might as well include other annoying things like hair n makeup n pressure to look perfect n periods (this is another million issues in itself, spending a week trying to avoid walking around is hard!) n twisted bra straps (actually kinda painful if the clips dig in lol) boys don't have to deal with all that, and that's before you get onto childbirth haha, it sounds like enough to put me off children for life! Im so tired right now but i don't feel sleepy, ive spent ages crying and listening to music cause my big black shadow if depression is following me as around again i hate it we're decorating mine n beanies room atm I've had no space of my own for a week now its starting to drive everyone crazy cause there's boxes of stuff everywhere upstairs getting dressed is a massive complicated fuss cause there's stuff in front of the wardrobes its gonna b amazing when its finished but i want my bed back now haha im just randomly waffling on about nothing again lol its what it does best though i love just writing or typing n letting all my random thoughts out, its slightly harder when you know SOMEONE is waiting to read it im gonna end up putting a load of sappy stuff on here cause i love my evil genius ninja dwarf, even if it takes forever til he can actually b my boyfriend xD haha ive got the bestest best friends in the world they help me so much, i find it so hard to let people in (hey random people reading this i don't know you so i dont mind if you know stuff about me haha) i hide stuff from nearly all the people im close to, its not that i don't trust people im just scared of letting them see how bad i get sometimes, i scare myself enough with how close ive been to ending my life, but it would i was watching the music video for pink - perfect, it reminded me of myself in more ways than id like but i think im probably at the part when she realises she does want to live, I've finally found my reason to be happy xD n the only way i could b happier is if i could actually fall asleep cuddled up to him haha idec if im being a sap i love imagining the future it gives me something to look forward to xP i should probably shut up now haha this has taken me a few days to write and I've been through so many moods so sorry if it doesn't make much sense haha I'll write another one soon xP bye x

Life, gingers and my ideas for my future ♥

Hello again :D i accidentally just put my last post on here again, i dont even know how haha
my life is finally starting to get a tiny bit better, I know what i'm doing in september!! even my teachers are shocked lol and i still really really like gingers (Hayley, i dont even care if random people on the internet know now, gingers are cool :P) hahaha yes i'm a bit weird but i'm sort of happy today yay i'm typing this on the computer in textiles, because i still have no motivation to do anything and its FREEZING in here, (the heating doesnt work again dammit) and my fingers are starting to go numb...
so about college, i'm starting an art and design course in september!!! so excited lol i need a fresh start, new friends, somewhere different :) i went to the open evening on monday, it was amazing, all the people there are really friendly and it all seems more grown up than stuff in the sixth form, plus you dont have to wear a stupid uniform (i hate ties so much and it gives teachers ANOTHER reason to complain about me, just in case they dont have enough already grrrrr) i made a new friend there too, well ok i didnt actually speak to him but i added him on fb then he started talking to me xD he's plays guitar in a band that were playing all evening, he's really funny and easy to talk to (and he's ginger and kinda cute... i'll just shut up now, callum i hope you never ever read this haha xP) and i ended up telling him about my stupid depression and i have anxiety now too grrrrrrr now i'm 18 i've been kicked out of the mental place i went to before, actually that makes it sound really bad!! basically i'm being referred to an adult psychologist instead of a child one, then i can finally get someone to change my medication yay :D i have a new favourite band now and they're called flyleaf :) I'm gonna go and flick more paint around for my textiles coursework now theres no teachers to say i have to go to art instead :P and i will start writing here more often i promise...
keep smiling xxx

p.s. and i'm starting my own shop on etsy to sell stuff i've made and earn some money, more about that soon :)

umm... cant think of a title!!

I'm back xD and I actually feel ok at the moment and its been 6 whole weeks since I last cut myself things aren't that bad at the moment (I still don't use punctuation sorry haha) I'm sitting on my bed in a really tidy room writing chemistry revision notes, my mum thinks I've been kidnapped by aliens LOL she's always telling me to sort my life out and as soon as I do something I'm meant to do everyone goes into shock grrrr I can't win :P I'm going to start writing in this more often but not on the kindle because the keyboard is too annoying I've finally got an idea in my head of what I want to do when I grow up (yes I am nearly 18 years old but I'm still about a zillion miles from being a sensible adult even though I finish sixth form in the summer, scary!!) My dad says it's called civil engineering it's like designing bridges and stuff it would make me think but still be interesting cause I get bored so easily we went to this careers thing and I was going round every stall looking for ideas, and the company I was looking at do apprenticeships yay I still refuse to go to uni though whatever my teachers think of my decision its my life not theirs and I don't think I could cope 1 or 2 happy days does not mean my life is better, there's still a loooong way to go on that haha I've typed loads already there's loads of fireworks outside and theyre so loud but i can't see them I'm trying to catch up on all my textiles work too I'm determined to meet every deadline this year and show everyone that I did learn something from all my mistakes last year haha it was so bad at the end of June I'm so glad half of its over and didn't just give up then like I wanted to, because I knew it would be one of those decisions I'd regret when I'm older... I'm gonna go and make myself a giant mug of coffee now, byeeee (sorry I'm way hyper I've had too many jammy teacake things :P) xxx

Depression, school and feeling ill

Its 1am and I'm still wide awake my life is so messed up at the moment, I should be doing my chemistry right now but I haven't got the motivation to do it, I wish someone was here to give me a big hug :( I haven't taken my medication as often as I should have in the last week, it tastes DISGUSTING and makes me feel sick, but I feel sick anyway, maybe that's the reason I feel so rubbish right now I don't really know why I'm writing this right now, I haven't actually got anything to say I just feel like having a massive rant about life... I woke up this morning with a really bad cold (even though I only had about 4 hours sleep grrrr) it feels like my head is stuffed with cotton wool and I have spent the whole day just feeling ill, I also feel bad because I need to be catching up on work but I can't concentrate :( this year is worse than last year already, the thought of going to school makes me feel ill, when I try to talk to my teachers about it I just get a lecture about how I'm in year 13 now and I need to take responsibility for myself, I know all of that I just find it so hard I'm lying here crying about it now I just want to be anyone but me. I want to cut myself so much right now my friend said I could text her whenever I need to but she isn't exactly happy at the moment (her mum died 18 months ago) and I don't wanna wake her up cause she has to go to work tomorrow, none of my facebook friends are online either :( there are only a few people I would actually talk to about how I feel, but even a random conversation could help. I hate it when I'm stuck in my own brain it feels even worse when its the middle of the night and all the sane people I know will be asleep... but yeah, back to the homework thing, I have one thing to say - I CANT COPE ANYMORE so far I'm doing my best to pretend everything is fine, or at least less bad than it really is to the people who know about stuff. I keep thinking I can hear someone coming even though no one else is awake, I feel really paranoid about stuff I just want to scream and kick something I have to go to school tomorrow my attendance is already down to 75% my chemistry isn't done I've lied to my teacher so many times that I've done it but the truth is I find it so hard to concentrate on anything that reading about CH₃(CH₂)₁₆COOH is just frying my brain. I really wanted things to be different this year, but instead of learning from my mistakes I'm just repeating them because I'm not strong enough to change. I know sitting here crying about it isnt gonna improve anything (im giving up on punctuation now sorry) but it just feels like im stuck in a big black hole, it would be quite nice if it was rectangle shaped and six feet under but that would be giving up and im too stubborn for that, plus i cried my eyes out when connor ended up in hospital, knowing my luck id fail anyway and would end up with more people trying to control my life grrrrrrrrrrrr im just so fed up when i am at school trying to work i end up with watson having a go at me im not scared of a small angry irishwoman even if she does have the power to log my computer off i just need to be left alone!!! i havent been to see the psychiatrist for ages, the first appointment had to be canceled because it was the morning of the first day of term, then i had to cancel it again because i had a chemistry trip thing my medication isnt really working but if i get them to change it its gonna take months to have an effect and i havent got months i need to sort my life out NOW i know that is way unrealistic but ive had enough now, im also meant to be starting CBT... im still paranoid theyre gonna make me draw rainbows or something :( anyway, im sorry if you just wasted some of your life reading this haha i could write more but i need to sleep, bye x

Schoolwork, insomnia and reasons I should not have facebook...

I'm so tired right now cause my sleeping times are so messed up, I lie awake all night then end up sleeping in the day so I can't sleep at night again, and it goes on and on like that :( I feel really really depressed today, not like I'm gonna cut myself depressed, just sad and kind of empty. Its weird cause I have so many different depressing feelings, some are angry and sad, some are frustrated and sad, and some are just plain miserable, I've cried through nearly half a box of tissues since last night...

I have so much schoolwork to do at the moment but I just can't find the motivation in me to get on with it, I hate it when I have to hide from teachers all day, and I hate being told how worried they are about my lack of work but I just can't do it. I don't know why I'm even in sixth form, I want to give up but there's a part of me that is so stubborn that makes me wanna finish it even if it kills me. I hate feeling like I'm being torn in two but I don't even know what I would do if I wasn't doing my A levels. I wish I could just move away to somewhere completely different and start again so I can be the person I want, not a confused falling apart mess like I am at the moment. All I want to do right now is crawl under my duvet and never ever come out again (except when I'm hungry!). There's family stuff going on at the moment as well that isn't helping (but I can't explain that right now)

And about the Facebook... yeah... it was a bad idea. It is way too distracting and there's some stuff on there you don't really wanna see (e.g. a few weeks ago I logged on and the first thing i saw was a picture of the boy I like kissing his girlfriend, not really what I needed then haha) And the messages... grrrr I hate it when people ignore them or don't reply, and the temptation to say what you think is just too much, I think I should delete one particular person off my friends list before I say anything else to make things worse. It feels like my world is collapsing and I end up taking it out on others which isn't fair on them :( 

I'm going to do some of my textiles work now, bye xx

p.s one other thing - I'm going to see Mallory Knox in Bristol on November 22nd!!! Best band ever :D YAY!!!

My random brain...

So this is gonna be my new way of dealing with stuff... Its weird typing everything knowing that random people will be able read it! One of the first things I wrote when I started my diary/book thing was 'my brain feels like tangled spaghetti' not a lot has changed since then haha and I don't always write in proper sentences by the way, so you kind of have to get used to it ;) In case you were wondering I'm 17 and have severe depression, I'm on medication but it isn't really working so far, I also self harm sometimes, I know its a really bad habit but it makes me feel like i'm in control of my life, even if its just for 5 minutes. This year I'm determined not to embarrass myself like I did in year 12 haha, that day I lost my temper, kicked a wall (sorry wall!) and ended up in A&E was horrible, I'm trying to find better ways to let my feelings out! I found someone on youtube called Laura Lejeune, she is really helpful if you are depressed :) Aw connor just wrote on my facebook wall, he gave me a 9 for my looks and 9 for my personality :D anyway... I'm really tired so I'm gonna to to sleep now, goodnight xx