Coughs and sneezles spread diseasels

If I have to blow my nose 1 more fudging time before I go to sleep I'm going to lose it 

I've already had to cancel my plans for tomorrow that I was really excited about AND I CAN'T STOP COUGHING AND SNEEZING and I've done nothing productive today except empty and reload the dishwasher and I'll have to drag myself to a supermarket for more tissues on monday and to the pharmacy because I ran out of one of my brain meds (somehow not the sleepy ones though but have now used up my entire stash of extra ones 😭, possibly the reason my moods are wobbly but don't tell E or he'll roll his eyes and tell me to "set a reminder on my phone" like thats ever worked in my entire life) and the who gives a crap toilet rolls look pretty on my bathroom shelf but feel like sandpaper on my nose at this point and I'm worried its going to fall off if I wipe it any more, so many people I know and havent seen recently are ill where did this suddenly come from ugh

ACHOOOO

Did I mention I'm extra miserable when I'm ill? Not that I'm exactly a ray of sunshine at the best of times but AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH (achoo) 

And I just remembered I still haven't booked my flu jab, the yearly stabbings are a highlight in my calendar 💉

And yes the title is from Thomas the Tank engine - the good ones I grew up watching not the newer rubbish version 🚂

Goodnight to everyone except whoever infected me,

K 🤧

Cardboard, noodles and all the rum

So its been an eventful week, I was so excited to come back from Wales a couple of weeks ago and finally live in peace for a few weeks but instead we've had death, germs and a rough time with all my jobs 🙃

The biggest thing this week has been the scissor lift at work being broken so nothing can go in or out on pallets... you don't realise how much this makes a difference until you're dragging 60 cages around every night that are all mixed up because no one can do a whole job of breaking down and the entire warehouse is covered in squashed cardboard to the point there's now orange signs everywhere saying DO NOT USE THE BALER, WE CANT GET IT OUT OF THE BUILDING because the first polite ones they put up did nothing 😂😭 will apparently be fixed next week but they'll have to close the yard for it so one super quiet day with no deliveries and one or two chaotic disaster days while they catch up, I'll be working both of those and will be surviving on cake, sausage rolls and enough cold and flu meds to take down an elephant if its anything like last night when 3 people called in sick! 

Grandmas memorial service is 6 weeks away and it feels like so long before we can properly say goodbye (and on my sisters 18th birthday, way to start official adult life with a bang) Have got a plan for all her lovely plates and bowls and cups and tea set and I can't wait to make the living room all pretty with the glass unit I've found for them, we'll pretend it doesnt currently look like an earthquake happened in here 😬

Had a major wobble about my adhd earlier, its been 3 months since my medication planning appointment and I haven't heard anything yet, it feels like existing is getting harder the closer I get to starting them (like how my bladder always knows when I'm almost home and screams even louder even though I was doing okay half a mile before 🤣) I snapped and sent them an email I'm scared to read back though, I think it was a mix of sob story, anger and apologies oops... E came home while I was seriously debating asking around for drug dealers that might have methylphenidate just so I could get some actual work done thats been piling up for weeks, interestingly his biggest issue with that was the possibility of it being laced with something not the fact its illegal and I'm broke so I ate half a bag of m&ms and got in the shower to calm down - that was a bad idea because its draining really slow and as the plumber in this house thats a me problem so I was standing in my own tears and shampoo bubbles while raging about the state of this house, everything from the fridge to the loft to my sock drawer and even my phone is a mess (20,000 emails, 600 apps and a bunch of updates I've ignored 😳) 

This is getting long but I'm feeling surprisingly chatty tonight, E is upstairs doing stuff on his game and my brain spaghetti is spaghettiing and Brucifer is snoring, would have no interest in typing this much if I was talking to a person! I've decided I'm going to try all kinds of things on noodles because stir fry sauce is nice but boring- tonight we had peri peri chicken that was 8.5/10 (couldn't make it too spicy because E is not a fan but it was just hot enough to help me breathe through my nose again!) I'll try it with taco mix next time, I bet pizza stuff would work well too with pepperoni and cheese and garlic 🍜

Oooo just dropped my phone and the camera opened, the last photo i put on here was those crumpets I made and I NEED to make them again asap! Also finally got really good at waffles, might have people round for a breakfast party one day 😆

Ive spent the whole week drinking endless cups of honey and lemon which I think has helped except now I've run out of lemon juice, lime wouldnt be the same, whiskey is supposed to be good in it but I don't have any of that (think it got used up on all the times I glugged a bit before going to see E's mum, one of the many reasons I don't drive there hahaha) so I'm onto hot honey and rum for the next couple of days! 

Time for bed, cuddles with fatty splatty and as many episodes of 2 broke girls as I can manage before my eyes close, goodnight!

K x 

Time flies when you're (not) having fun

Oops its been a year! And surprise surprise I'm still crying on the sofa (although the last year has been less rough than it could've been) 

Biggest 💔 of the week - Grandma died... It shouldn't have been a surprise for someone who was 90, had dementia and could barely recognise her own family but she'd been living on pure rage and spite for the last 20 years and I couldn't imagine her not living to 100 

My delayed emotional reactions are only running 6 days behind this time and I've snot cried through half a box of tissues while wearing the last cardigan she knitted, the guilt of not seeing her over the last 10 years is killing me, I visited her in hospital once and realised going again wouldn't benefit her or me and making that decision broke me but I think it was the right one, i won't be haunted by memories of her at her worst and can focus on happier memories like the time we got completely lost up the hill and when the cows were chasing us 

Crying about death has reminded me of all the other people that have died and my eyes are puffy and my head hurts

Have also been crying buckets about having to sell my van, I might be swapping to a nearly identical one but it's not the same, I've had Tinkerbell since 2019 and I get attached, I know I was sad when I sold my car but I'd only had it for 18 months at that point and it hadn't been with me through all the job and life changes etc

Maybe I'll share some happier stuff soon, my life is chaos but not all bad (still wouldn't say no to running away with the circus if that opportunity ever presents itself)

K x 

Bricklaying, bowling and bacon sandwiches

Some people seem to sail through life like they're on the fanciest comfy cruise, my life appears to be a capsized canoe in shark infested stormy water 🙃 my overdraft is hanging on by a thread and so is my patience with living in this shitshow of a skin prison, I need another job asap but it's almost impossible to find one when you can't stand up and can't sit down and have the people skills of a potato because your brain works at the speed of internet explorer on dial up during important conversations and the meds you need to not end yourself make mornings impossible but the dwp refused your application for pip because apparently I'm perfectly capable and motivated to go to work despite never once asking about it because thats so far from the truth and I feel like I'm letting E down by being like this, me a few years ago could drag cast iron rads up 2 flights of stairs on my own and easily work 12 hour days, it wasn't always pretty but at least it was possible 

I've got an interview with a cleaning company next week, they only do new builds so no scrubbing toothpaste stains and greasy ovens just the level of dust I'm used to! I'm really really hoping miracles can happen and they'll let me do 2 or 3 days a week instead of full time, it might be tough but it sounds much better than working from home doing something disgustingly peopley with video calls and professionally worded emails about stuff no one really cares about while letting the rest of my joints rot away 

I did manage to finish 2 whole garden jobs in the last 2 days 🥳 (fueled by the best bacon sandwiches, nothing beats fresh tiger bread from morrisons!) honestly can't remember the last time I started something and did the whole thing without a month break and a few arguments... One was painting the metal rings on my old whiskey barrel planters, the other was building a new wall around the drain to stop the gravel and mud falling into it and forcing me to stick my hand down there to unblock it every other month! Really proud of my bricklaying skills on that, it might be tiny overall but it's another thing I've done all by myself, still have all my fingers after cutting bricks and the only injury was a big fat metal splinter in the top of my hand after accidentally hammering it while trying to break them with the chisel 🤣 and slightly sore fingertips from the cement (I'm completely incapable of doing a whole job with tools, always give up and do half of it with my fingers oops) but there was no blood so that doesn't count! I really want a tidy house and garden so I can invite people round and not feel so embarrassed about the state of everywhere 😔 I know a huge part of it is the adhd stuff and my assessment for that is Tuesday morning so things will get better very soon but I still feel angry for all the years I've wasted struggling, mum has all my old school reports but I bet there's hints all over the place, sixth form was the biggest disaster I've ever suffered through because of it and I'm not sure some of those scars will ever heal, it doesn't take much for me to be back in the headspace of the 17 year old that spent half her life hiding in that one toilet cubicle with the whole world against her and i hate it 💔

This week was our 7th anniversary, I can't believe I've been Mrs S for that long! So much has happened in that time including adopting all 3 of our babies 🐾 and finally making my dream kitchen a reality, he's been my person every day for over 10 years and I'm so grateful for that ❤️ we mostly had a lazy day then at the last minute decided to go bowling and took all the loose change in the house for the arcade machines, E won so many tickets and at the last minute I found the game I was best at - throwing balls at clown faces and almost got the highest score possible so got us a bunch more 😆 I'm also somehow terrible and really good at pool, got some crazy ones in that seemed almost impossible but also missed the easy ones and he had to remind me of the rules about turns every 2 mins! Not quite the cycling in the forest we had planned but definitely reduced the chances of getting struck by lightning haha

I didn't really have a plan for what I was typing when I opened this app but brain has rambled on enough for now, I got into bed for an early night and cat snuggles but she abandoned me ages ago and it's somehow 11pm?? 

See you next time I remember, K x 

Climbing, horses and tears in Tesco

It feels like my head is finally starting to feel better and heal from some of the mess of the last 15 years, like the old me is coming back to life! I've started watching Heartland, it was my favourite/joint favourite book series when I was younger (other was princess diaries) and accidentally found it on the TV! One of the channels randomly switches between reruns of stuff, it was Teletubbies for ages  and one day changed to this 😂 all over the place brain is now desperate to go horse riding, i remember loving it the time I went as a child! Animal smells and dirt have never bothered me, i loved spending summers on the farm and miss it so much 💔 I get so attached to memories and the past and hate things changing but I'm slowly - really slowly 🐌 - learning how to let things go

I've also started listening to old Taylor Swift and listing all the things I loved back then and making plans to do them again soon and I feel lighter somehow?

In other news I had my first panic attack in public for a very long time today, we ended up in the worlds most backwards fucked up Tesco where the freezers were by the fridges and candles and tea towels are in the middle and so many drinks aisles but still couldn't find the squash and loud music and kids screaming and SO many people, by the time we got to the checkout with our basket of stuff i had my hoodie over my ears and ended up running to the van while E paid, I didn't think anyone had noticed me in the overall chaos but a lovely lady that worked there told him about the box of stuff for people that struggle with that kind of thing, might need to borrow the ear defenders if we go there again! Things like that make me realise my mental health nurse probably has a point with the possible autism, I like to do my shopping in the same place now I've found which one is best for me - it needs to have the right range of stuff in stock, a car park that doesn't stress me out and be easy to find stuff in even when busy! There's a very limited range of supermarkets near me that fit that and if its not one of my safe ones it takes so much more brain energy 😭

I also went bouldering for the first time properly in 3ish years, hypermobile hands were not made for that but it's a start on building my strength back to where I was a few years ago 😆 had a look at the gym there too, it has a small collection of free weights that seem much less scary than the ones at my proper gym so maybe I'll turn into one of the fitness girlies that know stuff haha when I've got my grip strength sorted I also need to have another go at aerial yoga, it was really fun when I tried it in Turkey but also wasn't the best thing for how sick I was! 

And our total collection of stuff from the Electric center trade day is:

19 pens 

3 pencils

9 keyrings (bottle openers, meter cupboard keys, trolley coins)

1 coffee cup that may or may not be dishwasher safe (only one way to find out 🤣)

2 pairs of super grippy gloves which are accidentally perfect for netball

1 giant t shirt 

2 pop up stool things 

Various multi tool blades 

A bag 

And they had super chocolatey biscuit things which by some miracle I did not get on my top 🥳

I should be asleep, the tablets are finally kicking in!

K x 

Never ending heartbreak

My deepest darkest secret . . . 

I'm still in love with him

I think I always will be 

Its been 11 years and its still so much it physically hurts, it's killing me and idk what to do with this, some people just get into your veins and nothing will ever get them out no matter how hard you try 

Hay Day, healing and heat exhaustion ☀️

It's too hot and everything hurts! Have spent the last couple of weeks at war with my fibromyalgia, swinging between being forced to rest and manically trying to do all the things the second I can move again, currently resting on the bed with the air con blowing at me because E is convinced heat exhaustion is the reason I keep going faint and wobbly 🙃 PIP assessment is in a couple of weeks and somehow despite needing Eileen every time I leave the house atm (that's what my walking stick is called, because without her I fall 🤣) I still can't accept that this is a disability and im slowly losing my independence... a couple of years ago I was full time plumbing and loved it and now I can't even survive a trip to aldi on my own half the time and I hate it so much 

Have been ignoring the pain and working on the garden a lot, we have some of the decking done now so it's nice to have a place to sit! Really want to finish it by the end of the summer, I've wanted a pretty garden to sit in for years and have finally made a plan! Just need to finish measuring bits and drawing it up on the laptop but the excitement of planning it keeps me going some days and gives my brain a creative way to stay busy! 

All the rest is giving me lots of time to play Hay Day again, it's still one of my favourite games but part of me is sad that A can't play it with me anymore, I miss him so much and it still hurts every day 10 years later 💔 E said it's really not his kind of game when I begged him to make one, if anyone ever reads this and wants to be friends my game tag thing is #ULL02PRV 🐸 the background noise of it is strangely calming to me at this point! 

In other news I've seen my family and started talking to them a little bit, the funeral really did bring everyone together in a way I wasn't expecting... (cant believe that was 2 whole months ago) I was planning to write a post about it but was so emotionally drained after it, between that and going on holiday and yet another funeral plus work drama and my body being dumb I went into a deep depression spiral and forgot, maybe will write about that soon? 

I feel like the old old me is starting to come back, I actually feel happy to be alive and its weird?? I even went out wearing a dress the other day - not a short needs leggings under it kind - an actual knee length stripy sun dress and didn't feel the need to hide myself because of it? PTSD is wild, of all the random things that fucked me up the dress/skirt situation was one of the worst 😂 I've spent the last 10 years wearing nothing but jeans and hoodies trying to make up for it but it's like I've got a new kind of confidence from somewhere? I'm now excited to get dressed in the morning (shout out to the Indyx app for making that so much easier to remember things exist!) I've even got lots of sewing plans again, 18 year old me desperately wanted to be a plasterer and a dressmaker so will do my best to make her proud! Maybe miracles will happen and I'll be able to do some plastering too, my house definitely has a need for it 😂

Should probably put some of this enormous washing pile I'm lying on away before more things need ironing, will be back when I remember!

K🍦x