Bricklaying, bowling and bacon sandwiches

Some people seem to sail through life like they're on the fanciest comfy cruise, my life appears to be a capsized canoe in shark infested stormy water 🙃 my overdraft is hanging on by a thread and so is my patience with living in this shitshow of a skin prison, I need another job asap but it's almost impossible to find one when you can't stand up and can't sit down and have the people skills of a potato because your brain works at the speed of internet explorer on dial up during important conversations and the meds you need to not end yourself make mornings impossible but the dwp refused your application for pip because apparently I'm perfectly capable and motivated to go to work despite never once asking about it because thats so far from the truth and I feel like I'm letting E down by being like this, me a few years ago could drag cast iron rads up 2 flights of stairs on my own and easily work 12 hour days, it wasn't always pretty but at least it was possible 

I've got an interview with a cleaning company next week, they only do new builds so no scrubbing toothpaste stains and greasy ovens just the level of dust I'm used to! I'm really really hoping miracles can happen and they'll let me do 2 or 3 days a week instead of full time, it might be tough but it sounds much better than working from home doing something disgustingly peopley with video calls and professionally worded emails about stuff no one really cares about while letting the rest of my joints rot away 

I did manage to finish 2 whole garden jobs in the last 2 days 🥳 (fueled by the best bacon sandwiches, nothing beats fresh tiger bread from morrisons!) honestly can't remember the last time I started something and did the whole thing without a month break and a few arguments... One was painting the metal rings on my old whiskey barrel planters, the other was building a new wall around the drain to stop the gravel and mud falling into it and forcing me to stick my hand down there to unblock it every other month! Really proud of my bricklaying skills on that, it might be tiny overall but it's another thing I've done all by myself, still have all my fingers after cutting bricks and the only injury was a big fat metal splinter in the top of my hand after accidentally hammering it while trying to break them with the chisel 🤣 and slightly sore fingertips from the cement (I'm completely incapable of doing a whole job with tools, always give up and do half of it with my fingers oops) but there was no blood so that doesn't count! I really want a tidy house and garden so I can invite people round and not feel so embarrassed about the state of everywhere 😔 I know a huge part of it is the adhd stuff and my assessment for that is Tuesday morning so things will get better very soon but I still feel angry for all the years I've wasted struggling, mum has all my old school reports but I bet there's hints all over the place, sixth form was the biggest disaster I've ever suffered through because of it and I'm not sure some of those scars will ever heal, it doesn't take much for me to be back in the headspace of the 17 year old that spent half her life hiding in that one toilet cubicle with the whole world against her and i hate it 💔

This week was our 7th anniversary, I can't believe I've been Mrs S for that long! So much has happened in that time including adopting all 3 of our babies 🐾 and finally making my dream kitchen a reality, he's been my person every day for over 10 years and I'm so grateful for that ❤️ we mostly had a lazy day then at the last minute decided to go bowling and took all the loose change in the house for the arcade machines, E won so many tickets and at the last minute I found the game I was best at - throwing balls at clown faces and almost got the highest score possible so got us a bunch more 😆 I'm also somehow terrible and really good at pool, got some crazy ones in that seemed almost impossible but also missed the easy ones and he had to remind me of the rules about turns every 2 mins! Not quite the cycling in the forest we had planned but definitely reduced the chances of getting struck by lightning haha

I didn't really have a plan for what I was typing when I opened this app but brain has rambled on enough for now, I got into bed for an early night and cat snuggles but she abandoned me ages ago and it's somehow 11pm?? 

See you next time I remember, K x 

Climbing, horses and tears in Tesco

It feels like my head is finally starting to feel better and heal from some of the mess of the last 15 years, like the old me is coming back to life! I've started watching Heartland, it was my favourite/joint favourite book series when I was younger (other was princess diaries) and accidentally found it on the TV! One of the channels randomly switches between reruns of stuff, it was Teletubbies for ages  and one day changed to this 😂 all over the place brain is now desperate to go horse riding, i remember loving it the time I went as a child! Animal smells and dirt have never bothered me, i loved spending summers on the farm and miss it so much 💔 I get so attached to memories and the past and hate things changing but I'm slowly - really slowly 🐌 - learning how to let things go

I've also started listening to old Taylor Swift and listing all the things I loved back then and making plans to do them again soon and I feel lighter somehow?

In other news I had my first panic attack in public for a very long time today, we ended up in the worlds most backwards fucked up Tesco where the freezers were by the fridges and candles and tea towels are in the middle and so many drinks aisles but still couldn't find the squash and loud music and kids screaming and SO many people, by the time we got to the checkout with our basket of stuff i had my hoodie over my ears and ended up running to the van while E paid, I didn't think anyone had noticed me in the overall chaos but a lovely lady that worked there told him about the box of stuff for people that struggle with that kind of thing, might need to borrow the ear defenders if we go there again! Things like that make me realise my mental health nurse probably has a point with the possible autism, I like to do my shopping in the same place now I've found which one is best for me - it needs to have the right range of stuff in stock, a car park that doesn't stress me out and be easy to find stuff in even when busy! There's a very limited range of supermarkets near me that fit that and if its not one of my safe ones it takes so much more brain energy 😭

I also went bouldering for the first time properly in 3ish years, hypermobile hands were not made for that but it's a start on building my strength back to where I was a few years ago 😆 had a look at the gym there too, it has a small collection of free weights that seem much less scary than the ones at my proper gym so maybe I'll turn into one of the fitness girlies that know stuff haha when I've got my grip strength sorted I also need to have another go at aerial yoga, it was really fun when I tried it in Turkey but also wasn't the best thing for how sick I was! 

And our total collection of stuff from the Electric center trade day is:

19 pens 

3 pencils

9 keyrings (bottle openers, meter cupboard keys, trolley coins)

1 coffee cup that may or may not be dishwasher safe (only one way to find out 🤣)

2 pairs of super grippy gloves which are accidentally perfect for netball

1 giant t shirt 

2 pop up stool things 

Various multi tool blades 

A bag 

And they had super chocolatey biscuit things which by some miracle I did not get on my top 🥳

I should be asleep, the tablets are finally kicking in!

K x 

Never ending heartbreak

My deepest darkest secret . . . 

I'm still in love with him

I think I always will be 

Its been 11 years and its still so much it physically hurts, it's killing me and idk what to do with this, some people just get into your veins and nothing will ever get them out no matter how hard you try 

Hay Day, healing and heat exhaustion ☀️

It's too hot and everything hurts! Have spent the last couple of weeks at war with my fibromyalgia, swinging between being forced to rest and manically trying to do all the things the second I can move again, currently resting on the bed with the air con blowing at me because E is convinced heat exhaustion is the reason I keep going faint and wobbly 🙃 PIP assessment is in a couple of weeks and somehow despite needing Eileen every time I leave the house atm (that's what my walking stick is called, because without her I fall 🤣) I still can't accept that this is a disability and im slowly losing my independence... a couple of years ago I was full time plumbing and loved it and now I can't even survive a trip to aldi on my own half the time and I hate it so much 

Have been ignoring the pain and working on the garden a lot, we have some of the decking done now so it's nice to have a place to sit! Really want to finish it by the end of the summer, I've wanted a pretty garden to sit in for years and have finally made a plan! Just need to finish measuring bits and drawing it up on the laptop but the excitement of planning it keeps me going some days and gives my brain a creative way to stay busy! 

All the rest is giving me lots of time to play Hay Day again, it's still one of my favourite games but part of me is sad that A can't play it with me anymore, I miss him so much and it still hurts every day 10 years later 💔 E said it's really not his kind of game when I begged him to make one, if anyone ever reads this and wants to be friends my game tag thing is #ULL02PRV 🐸 the background noise of it is strangely calming to me at this point! 

In other news I've seen my family and started talking to them a little bit, the funeral really did bring everyone together in a way I wasn't expecting... (cant believe that was 2 whole months ago) I was planning to write a post about it but was so emotionally drained after it, between that and going on holiday and yet another funeral plus work drama and my body being dumb I went into a deep depression spiral and forgot, maybe will write about that soon? 

I feel like the old old me is starting to come back, I actually feel happy to be alive and its weird?? I even went out wearing a dress the other day - not a short needs leggings under it kind - an actual knee length stripy sun dress and didn't feel the need to hide myself because of it? PTSD is wild, of all the random things that fucked me up the dress/skirt situation was one of the worst 😂 I've spent the last 10 years wearing nothing but jeans and hoodies trying to make up for it but it's like I've got a new kind of confidence from somewhere? I'm now excited to get dressed in the morning (shout out to the Indyx app for making that so much easier to remember things exist!) I've even got lots of sewing plans again, 18 year old me desperately wanted to be a plasterer and a dressmaker so will do my best to make her proud! Maybe miracles will happen and I'll be able to do some plastering too, my house definitely has a need for it 😂

Should probably put some of this enormous washing pile I'm lying on away before more things need ironing, will be back when I remember!

K🍦x 

Shed felt, jigsaws and making my mum proud

This week has been loooooonnnnngggg and I'm getting kind of seasick from life tbh, 

ups and downs are expected but wtf is happening atm?? 

There's major work drama happening and it's balanced on a knife edge for a few days - either the terrible people that make my life miserable daily will finally get the boot and we all live happily ever after, keep the electrical company and my job stays pretty much the same OR things get completely turned upside down, the group of companies gets sold to an incompetent asswipe of a human, probably falls apart after 3 months and I end up jobless... brain was surprisingly good with this information for 3 whole days now I can't sleep and I'm not good with change and feel like a useless lump because my body isn't strong enough to go back to working on site yet and the adhd/bpd combination with meds makes it impossible to work normal job hours unless I end up back at screwfix but my knees would get bad again and being chained to a desk would not last long

I decided to have a fresh air day and work outside yesterday because it felt like I was suffocating sitting at my desk trying to concentrate on quotes for jobs that might not even happen so I ended up finally fitting the shed roof felt! Has had a "temporary" tarp stapled over it for 18 months since we built it and has been slowly falling off, E left the ladder out so might as well use it 😆 Here's the list of injuries from one afternoon:

- Large cut from leaving stanley knife blade out on the roof above where I was hammering, obviously it fell off and made me bleed on its way down but was still shocked it happened 

- Deep cut in finger from tape measure winding in too fast 

- Scraped skin from forgetting to put gloves on, almost fell off the ladder when giant spider came to say hello (side note, I had no idea they had 8 eyes until earlier, that can only be described as fucking terrifying but E insists this is general knowledge? Maybe I'm just dumb idk, imagine if they needed glasses though 😂) 

- Slightly bruised thumb (obviously I hammer with an unnecessary amount of rage, not the best idea when you have the reaction time of a drunk slug) 

- Giant splinter that destroyed my fingertip trying to remove it

Not surprised I filled a whole accident book at the training place I went to 10 years ago, surviving to see 30 should get me a medal 🤣😭 

My mum always said I should live by 3 things - look nice, smell nice and be graceful... knocked out a solid 2/3 by accidentally falling over and doing the splits in the middle of Tradepoint earlier, at least I was wearing deodorant? 😂😂😂 that's probably what I get for going out in my scruffiest baggiest paint splattered tracksuit with not very grippy trainers, I'm sure she'd be so proud to see who I've become 💁‍♀️ 

Jigsaws have been my latest favourite way to calm myself down, used to do them all the time on my tablet until one day i didn't have the charger so that was the end of that! Would love to have the real ones but I think that would be an impossible task with the boy cats around 😂 also realised how much i beat myself up over stupid things like when I can't finish the 440 piece ones in under an hour?? Forcing myself to slow down and let things take the time they need has been hard but at least I'm trying, currently doing another 440 piece patterned one with square prices that could fit anywhere and rotation on, will try to enjoy every piece even if it takes 6 hours! 

Falling asleep now and typing with 1 eye open, goodnight 

K x 

Hangovers, haircuts and crumpets

I've actually had a really good bank holiday weekend! My friend from school had a 2000s themed birthday party on saturday, I forgot to look for something to wear until 6 hours before we had to leave so went as the me I wanted to be in 2008 with everything that my mum hated 😆 everything I needed was in my normal wardrobe, chokers and black eyeshadow included haha even had time to cut my fringe, it was stupid long and very annoying so got the scissors out and fixed it the way I used to as a teenager, did chicken out of doing all the layers with limited time but was saved by a very convenient email from my hairdressers with 20% off 😂 

Sunday was the roast at his mums, unfortunately the side effect of a ridiculous number of jelly shots that not even the midnight feast of mcdonalds chicken nuggets could save me from was the first hangover I've had since I turned 25! 😭😭😭 It was a good 4 year run but turning up to his mums in comfy clothes and crocs with no makeup and a banging head to find her mum there too was enough to make me never want to drink again, she hates her family half the time anyway so that was enough of a shock but please give us warning if there's a shit load more peopleing involved than I've mentally budgeted for ffs! Spent lots of it hiding in the kitchen to avoid them, knee was not happy about standing up for that long but was less uncomfortable than sitting awkwardly in the living room with them 🤣 food was good though, definitely made me feel better! 

Yesterday was my favourite kind of lazy house day, I decided to try making crumpets! Blogger app is rubbish for adding photos but LOOK AT THEM 😍😍 

12/10 would make again, so much nicer than the shop ones! Also had to deep clean most of my kitchen because apparently putting syrup in the sodastream bottle is too much for me, it was somehow it turned into a fountain despite filling it exactly to the line then my first reaction was to put my hand over the top so it sprayed out sideways and covered half the room and me in sticky stuff - my worst kind of sensory hell - and when you have the j handle kitchen doors it sits in them until you wipe it, so much cleaning up for a drink that wasn't really worth it (tbf half the flavouring was on the floor at this point but no way was I touching the syrup again for round 2) 

Should probably get up and do the actual job I get paid for in a min, tried to set alarms today but slept through then for my weird someone needed to cut me open in a hospital that looked my old school gym dreams instead 

K x 

Labels, Dexter and making plans

Having a quick lazy break lying on the sofa, just eaten the rest of my leftover chinese - can't believe I used to get ill from it, all I did to solve that problem was eat it regularly and deal with the pain until my body got used to it 😆 

Been adding more stuff to my wardrobe app today, found lots of things I forgot about that I can't wait to wear again! E is my favourite nerd and loves any excuse to use his 3d printer so is making me lots of label holders for all the boxes, and I label makered lots of random boxes around my house because it makes me feel like I've got my life under control somehow (the sofa might be covered in random tools but at least the bin bag box has a pretty sticker 🤣) Think this will be my new thing in the war against adhd, maybe if someone had noticed that was the problem 15 years ago I might have learned some better systems/coping mechanisms by now! Haven't been that sad today, slept for hours because E didn't have to get up early but the down side to that is I didn't open my eyes to coffee waiting for me haha then we watched Dexter for half the morning with 2/3 cats sat with us, they're getting so much more cuddly recently and I love it! I wish we'd watched it ages ago, a good bloody murdery series will always be top of my list over stuff like love is blind (E likes it because it doesn't need brain power to follow anything, I get so bored) Realised earlier its taken me about 2 years to watch greys and I'm still only on s19 with 2 whole spinoffs to watch after 😂 spent so much of my life living under a rock and still have a lot to catch up on 10 years later! 

Other thing I'm working on is my 30 things to do before I'm 30 list, it's in my drafts and I'm up to 7 so far! Have just under 9 months to complete it and am aiming to give myself a whole fresh start and leave some of the mess behind (and move onto new disasters because I'm still stuck being me however hard I try 😂😭)

Also look how cute my boys are, leaving hair all over my t shirts when I turned my back for 2 mins haha 

And one final highlight of my day - EVERYTHING in my online food shop was delivered, not a single thing out of stock or swapped 🥳

K 🖤 x