Bricklaying, bowling and bacon sandwiches

Some people seem to sail through life like they're on the fanciest comfy cruise, my life appears to be a capsized canoe in shark infested stormy water 🙃 my overdraft is hanging on by a thread and so is my patience with living in this shitshow of a skin prison, I need another job asap but it's almost impossible to find one when you can't stand up and can't sit down and have the people skills of a potato because your brain works at the speed of internet explorer on dial up during important conversations and the meds you need to not end yourself make mornings impossible but the dwp refused your application for pip because apparently I'm perfectly capable and motivated to go to work despite never once asking about it because thats so far from the truth and I feel like I'm letting E down by being like this, me a few years ago could drag cast iron rads up 2 flights of stairs on my own and easily work 12 hour days, it wasn't always pretty but at least it was possible 

I've got an interview with a cleaning company next week, they only do new builds so no scrubbing toothpaste stains and greasy ovens just the level of dust I'm used to! I'm really really hoping miracles can happen and they'll let me do 2 or 3 days a week instead of full time, it might be tough but it sounds much better than working from home doing something disgustingly peopley with video calls and professionally worded emails about stuff no one really cares about while letting the rest of my joints rot away 

I did manage to finish 2 whole garden jobs in the last 2 days 🥳 (fueled by the best bacon sandwiches, nothing beats fresh tiger bread from morrisons!) honestly can't remember the last time I started something and did the whole thing without a month break and a few arguments... One was painting the metal rings on my old whiskey barrel planters, the other was building a new wall around the drain to stop the gravel and mud falling into it and forcing me to stick my hand down there to unblock it every other month! Really proud of my bricklaying skills on that, it might be tiny overall but it's another thing I've done all by myself, still have all my fingers after cutting bricks and the only injury was a big fat metal splinter in the top of my hand after accidentally hammering it while trying to break them with the chisel 🤣 and slightly sore fingertips from the cement (I'm completely incapable of doing a whole job with tools, always give up and do half of it with my fingers oops) but there was no blood so that doesn't count! I really want a tidy house and garden so I can invite people round and not feel so embarrassed about the state of everywhere 😔 I know a huge part of it is the adhd stuff and my assessment for that is Tuesday morning so things will get better very soon but I still feel angry for all the years I've wasted struggling, mum has all my old school reports but I bet there's hints all over the place, sixth form was the biggest disaster I've ever suffered through because of it and I'm not sure some of those scars will ever heal, it doesn't take much for me to be back in the headspace of the 17 year old that spent half her life hiding in that one toilet cubicle with the whole world against her and i hate it 💔

This week was our 7th anniversary, I can't believe I've been Mrs S for that long! So much has happened in that time including adopting all 3 of our babies 🐾 and finally making my dream kitchen a reality, he's been my person every day for over 10 years and I'm so grateful for that ❤️ we mostly had a lazy day then at the last minute decided to go bowling and took all the loose change in the house for the arcade machines, E won so many tickets and at the last minute I found the game I was best at - throwing balls at clown faces and almost got the highest score possible so got us a bunch more 😆 I'm also somehow terrible and really good at pool, got some crazy ones in that seemed almost impossible but also missed the easy ones and he had to remind me of the rules about turns every 2 mins! Not quite the cycling in the forest we had planned but definitely reduced the chances of getting struck by lightning haha

I didn't really have a plan for what I was typing when I opened this app but brain has rambled on enough for now, I got into bed for an early night and cat snuggles but she abandoned me ages ago and it's somehow 11pm?? 

See you next time I remember, K x