Time flies when you're (not) having fun

Oops its been a year! And surprise surprise I'm still crying on the sofa (although the last year has been less rough than it could've been) 

Biggest 💔 of the week - Grandma died... It shouldn't have been a surprise for someone who was 90, had dementia and could barely recognise her own family but she'd been living on pure rage and spite for the last 20 years and I couldn't imagine her not living to 100 

My delayed emotional reactions are only running 6 days behind this time and I've snot cried through half a box of tissues while wearing the last cardigan she knitted, the guilt of not seeing her over the last 10 years is killing me, I visited her in hospital once and realised going again wouldn't benefit her or me and making that decision broke me but I think it was the right one, i won't be haunted by memories of her at her worst and can focus on happier memories like the time we got completely lost up the hill and when the cows were chasing us 

Crying about death has reminded me of all the other people that have died and my eyes are puffy and my head hurts

Have also been crying buckets about having to sell my van, I might be swapping to a nearly identical one but it's not the same, I've had Tinkerbell since 2019 and I get attached, I know I was sad when I sold my car but I'd only had it for 18 months at that point and it hadn't been with me through all the job and life changes etc

Maybe I'll share some happier stuff soon, my life is chaos but not all bad (still wouldn't say no to running away with the circus if that opportunity ever presents itself)

K x