Curly hair, mood swings and knee cartilage

So today was actually pretty good on the scale of wild bpd ups and downs (last night I was rage scrubbing the oven at midnight and crying I wanted to die - someone parked opposite my driveway for the 3rd day in a row and it was the end of the fucking world 🤷‍♀️ also was very tired when I got back from fixing the shower at my friends house and all the other mental spaghetti thats been torturing me recently) 

I've done a lot compared to most days, took a couple of parcels to the post office, returned some clothes that didn't fit and bought a couple of different tops I also need to return BECAUSE THEYRE TOO BIG omg this never happens and made me so happy I cried (that's a solid theme in my life if you couldn't tell 🙃) went in Electric center to grab some stuff to take to someone - fully dressed today, last time I went there a couple of weeks ago it was 7.32am and I was in my pyjamas not expecting to see anyone but those guys know me well enough to not even question it hahaha - spent hours driving around without my knee getting angry, went to chiro and the gym and did a whole 10 mins on the stair machine!!! This is probably nothing to most people but as someone with no knee cartilage, a well used walking stick and not very optimistic physio guy it's the biggest thing in the world!! **not quite enough to make up for mcdonalds ditching the highlight of the year creme egg mcflurry for a disgustingly shit MINECRAFT one 🤬🤬🤬 but still pretty good** even managed to make proper food when I got home, although my attention span isn't quite long enough to boil pasta, got bored and turned my back for 2 mins to make a shopping list, in that time it boiled over flooded the hob and turned it off ffs 😂😭 

My hair is making me happy atm, finally started wearing it wavy curly again! Spent 26 years thinking it was straight before finally noticing how wavy it gets when it's wet, definitely worth the effort of drying it properly and a teeny bit of evidence I'm related to my family 😆 

Ugh E says I have to get back out of bed to clean my teeth, the dentist gave him the job of reminding me because my adhd is finding another way to bite me in the ass... power tools are much less fun when a dentist is holding them! At least I don't need fillings or anything too serious, maybe I'll add teeth to the list of things to be better before I'm 30! 

K x 

The end of kermit? 🐸

Today has a very important appointment I definitely shouldn't have forgotten about, it's finally barium x ray time! Unfortunately I'm not supposed to eat or drink anything for 6 hours before and because I forgot it was happening until 20 mins ago I didn't set my alarm to wake up early enough to eat breakfast ffs 🙃 Will be very interesting to finally get an idea of what is actually wrong with me, accidentally finding that random Facebook post about people that cant burp 2 years ago might completely change my life! In 2019 doctors finally discovered a thing called r-cpd, basically meaning that some people have very tight throat muscles that don't let air back out the way they should, and the 'frog noises' are caused by the air bubbling up but not being able to go anywhere... I read about this in between doctors appointments where they were testing me for everything under the sun including all types of food allergies and intolerances and when I showed him he googled it, agreed that was almost definitely the problem and referred me to ENT on the spot! (Genuinely would've been the end of my whole world if I'd had to give up cheese, that was number 3 on my reasons to live list after E and the cats 😂) Fast forward to December and they were finally about to operate for the balloon dilation thing to try and force the muscles to open up a bit, when I was sat in my hospital bed the surgeon came and offered to give me details of someone who can do the botox treatment for it instead (not through nhs, they don't do that yet) but since I was already starved, stabbed, uncaffeinated and forced out of my own bed at the butt crack of dawn I decided to stay and let them try the balloon/camera thing! No one was expecting what they found - so much damage from acid reflux I couldn't properly feel and muscles so tight they couldn't even get the camera in far enough without risking tearing something! Coming out anaesthetic was interesting, my first word was meow and the nurse said she'd seen my pawprint tattoos on my back, I was lying on it so really confused about what they'd done to me 😂 they wheeled me back round so many corners, past E in the waiting room (I had no idea it was him haha) and spent the next 2 hours sulking because they didn't have any jelly left 🤦🏻‍♀️ just before I finally managed to stagger out of there the other surgeon came to see me and said they thought it was more of a structural issue than functional aka there's too much muscle in there??? So now I have to drink a bucket of chalky crap while they x ray me to work out what the hell is going on in there, my already very rare disorder just got weirder 😂 might beg E to take me to mcdonalds on the way home, I was saying yesterday how I haven't had a creme egg mcflurry yet this year! But feels like finally having a light at the end of the tunnel, if they can fix this I dont have to live with the bloating any more, I had to buy maternity jeans at one point because it was so bad I looked 5 months pregnant! Would also be nice to drink properly on a night out, at the moment I can't physically drink that much of any liquid so even getting tipsy is a mission without just doing shots 😂 

Bye for now, 

K x 

Cats, clothes and never ending pain...

It's been one whole year since we picked up the baby! Manic Pancake is the best behaved cat of the 3 and I'm so happy we got to be his family, from the moment I saw his little face on that photo I knew he was the missing piece we'd been looking for ❤️ he's come so far from the tiny 3 month old someone found on his own in a caravan park eating hedgehog food! He spent the first 3 weeks here hiding under the bed and only coming out to steal my stuff now he's grown into a squeaky ball of love that regularly walks into a room just to scream at us, gets jealous if the others get attention and purrs like a train the second you touch him! He spends lots of time napping in the cat room we built, will sit on a bar stool every night and ekekekek at any reflections from watches or cutlery (we spent a long time assuming he could see ghosts haha) leaves his hair on everything he touches and ate a whole wasp yesterday without getting stung 

Todays job is to keep sorting my clothes, I've been trying to put everything onto an app called indyx (including the ton of stuff I'm slightly too fat for thats in the loft) That makes it much easier to see what I've got and plan outfits without having to dig through drawers and I'm really hoping it helps with the adhd and bpd unstable self thing, what looks right one day feels completely wrong the next so will be good to have a list of photos to choose from! It's taken me nearly 2 months so far because I can't just do a whole job in one go 😭 E is honestly a saint for putting up with me, I'm a chaotic disaster to live with and hate myself for it

Other thing I realised yesterday was that I've been in some kind of mental pain since I was 14/15, I've spent half my life without the ability to feel completely happy! The feeling of being torn in 2 will never completely go away, I went to the JW memorial yesterday and it felt so nice to be back even with my blue hair and tattoos and someone came and sat next to me because she could see I was shaking (realised FAR too late after we started talking, swapped phone numbers and agreed to meet up at some point that she's actually my ex's mother in law, honestly couldn't make this shit up if I tried 🙈 almost went to the later one to avoid looking like a crazy stalker but several people remembered me from last year and its nice not having to explain anything) So much has changed with how things are and I'm desperately trying to untangle my mum from the religion part, my life wasn't all bad but she was the storm cloud following me around making everything feel darker than it had to be... I'm not 100% against going back but E will never understand and I don't think I'm strong enough to turn my life upside down for the second time, would definitely like to go once every couple of months though and basically I'm just a mess as usual... haven't missed my mum for 4 days now, even went though my memory box in the loft and felt nothing for her 🤷‍♀️ I can feel warm and happy about the moments in some photos but overall her as a person is too hard to miss any longer 

Should probably go and do something useful, bye for now 

K x