Cats, clothes and never ending pain...

It's been one whole year since we picked up the baby! Manic Pancake is the best behaved cat of the 3 and I'm so happy we got to be his family, from the moment I saw his little face on that photo I knew he was the missing piece we'd been looking for ❤️ he's come so far from the tiny 3 month old someone found on his own in a caravan park eating hedgehog food! He spent the first 3 weeks here hiding under the bed and only coming out to steal my stuff now he's grown into a squeaky ball of love that regularly walks into a room just to scream at us, gets jealous if the others get attention and purrs like a train the second you touch him! He spends lots of time napping in the cat room we built, will sit on a bar stool every night and ekekekek at any reflections from watches or cutlery (we spent a long time assuming he could see ghosts haha) leaves his hair on everything he touches and ate a whole wasp yesterday without getting stung 

Todays job is to keep sorting my clothes, I've been trying to put everything onto an app called indyx (including the ton of stuff I'm slightly too fat for thats in the loft) That makes it much easier to see what I've got and plan outfits without having to dig through drawers and I'm really hoping it helps with the adhd and bpd unstable self thing, what looks right one day feels completely wrong the next so will be good to have a list of photos to choose from! It's taken me nearly 2 months so far because I can't just do a whole job in one go 😭 E is honestly a saint for putting up with me, I'm a chaotic disaster to live with and hate myself for it

Other thing I realised yesterday was that I've been in some kind of mental pain since I was 14/15, I've spent half my life without the ability to feel completely happy! The feeling of being torn in 2 will never completely go away, I went to the JW memorial yesterday and it felt so nice to be back even with my blue hair and tattoos and someone came and sat next to me because she could see I was shaking (realised FAR too late after we started talking, swapped phone numbers and agreed to meet up at some point that she's actually my ex's mother in law, honestly couldn't make this shit up if I tried 🙈 almost went to the later one to avoid looking like a crazy stalker but several people remembered me from last year and its nice not having to explain anything) So much has changed with how things are and I'm desperately trying to untangle my mum from the religion part, my life wasn't all bad but she was the storm cloud following me around making everything feel darker than it had to be... I'm not 100% against going back but E will never understand and I don't think I'm strong enough to turn my life upside down for the second time, would definitely like to go once every couple of months though and basically I'm just a mess as usual... haven't missed my mum for 4 days now, even went though my memory box in the loft and felt nothing for her 🤷‍♀️ I can feel warm and happy about the moments in some photos but overall her as a person is too hard to miss any longer 

Should probably go and do something useful, bye for now 

K x