Today was husbands dads mums funeral and one of the most weird awkward things I've been to, that's my 3rd time ever going in a church and the 2nd funeral since I turned my life upside down (the first was nearly 10 years ago and the first time i met most of his mums family so was too nervous to remember details) I hated everything about it, from the weird seat layout to the echoey building with the baby screaming (shout out to my loop earplugs for helping with that!) and this might be the autism speaking but why is everything in such a random order and unclear what is a prayer and what isn't and why did the priest? - Idk what those old guys in dresses are called - have to sing the hymns almost directly into the microphone and muddle up the verses and the whole thing was a weird stand up sit down no instructions socially awkward form of torture and when we walked out at the end everyone was just standing in the road (apparently waiting for the coffin to come out but please just tell us what we're doing especially if it takes 10 minutes) and im not good at dealing with that, his dad was happy we went though and I had the best coffee in the pub after and don't appear to have food poisoning from the horribly runny egg sandwiches and other questionable food choices/the plague from touching anything 🥳 that part was a very good lesson in why I should remember to eat breakfast! Also the elastic in the dress i was wearing snapped 2 mins before we left so I had to wear my other dress but didn't have time to change the uncomfortable strapless bra i no longer needed so had the feeling of being impaled by underwire for the entire day which really helped the mood ffs
Oops this is getting long and I haven't even got to the main point of todays waffle but my life is a chaotic shitshow so keep reading or dont idc 😂
I've finally accepted how much my mum screwed me up and the full scale of emotional abuse.
!!!
I've been working on it on and off for a couple of years but spent some more time reading back through the old messages I started on yesterday and some of it is so wtf I can't believe I actually lived through it? We had a codeword for when he wasn't sure it was me typing messages because she regularly took my phone (I was 18 at the time but treated like a suffocated 12 year old), I tried defending her sometimes and it makes me sad that other people could see what she was doing to me but I just thought it was a normal mum thing to do? One time she found me crying on my bedroom floor because I'd finally done what she wanted and tried to tell him it wouldn't work so she gave me chocolate and a lift to the bus stop, naive little me assumed she was trying to cheer me up but it was definitely more like a reward for doing something her way, there were messages where he listed some of the petty and stupid ways she was controlling me and the other major reasons I was struggling and seeing it in black and white like that made something finally just click? It will take a very long time to lose some of the ptsd habits like hiding my phone every time I leave the room (works great with the adhd, i ask Google to find it 100 times a day 😆) and apologising for stupid things like the pan E wants being at the bottom of the drawer, was genuinely worried he'd be mad at the 30 second inconvenience and blame me for putting it there 🥲
One thing I did finally understand was the 'if you really love someone set them free' and as much as it hurt him at the time in a way I did him a favour - he dodged the mother of all bullets by losing the risk of having that as a mother in law 💔 I know it came from a good place with all the messages of him insisting he'd stand up to her but years and years of it wears you down, I really thought I was strong enough but that was an unsustainable amount of pressure... and what if one day he might have had enough of it and be forced to give up I did and that would've been even messier and... *deep breath*... maybe it wasn't all my fault things went the way they did?
Off to finish my loaded fries from my favourite takeaway and watch more greys, more brain junk tomorrow
K x
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