It started with watching the YMAS documentary live stream thing (RIP joint favourite band I'll miss you 😭 also related husband rant coming at some point, that man doesnt piss me off very often but aaaarrrrgh sometimes i want to strangle him, also I got married, lots of random life shit to catch up on) got to the 2009-2012 part and kerrang and I wondered if I had any photos of my room back then with their posters, not on my current phone so I went digging back through messenger chats and that was where it all started going wrong, ik I'm very very delayed in actually feeling things but the full scale of 10 year old heartbreak hit me like a fucking train, idk if most people have had their heart shattered like that, there's breakups then there's telling someone you can't be with them after planning a life together, fighting through everything possible and being there for them at every opportunity like flicking a switch off... I did that. I did that to someone who loved me so hard and for so long and didn't deserve any of it and the worst part is I'll never have the chance to explain, I'd give my right arm to meet him for a coffee and tell him how all the pieces of my screwed up life jigsaw came together in a way that broke him into 1000 pieces, the pain of what I did to us has scarred my heart forever 💔 I've been trying and mostly failing to squash down my feelings about this for years but last night something snapped and I finally opened up to my husband about everything that happened before him, I was terrified for years thinking that he'd hate me for it - thank you bpd and ptsd 🙃 - he let me ugly cry all the way home in the van before finally saying I can see how much you loved him, it's okay to be sad and it's like the floodgates opened and I don't have to feel like a criminal for having big feelings anymore so this morning I dug the loom band bracelet he made me 11 years ago out the loft and started scrolling back and back and back with the songs he sent me on repeat until messenger crashed and my eyes were puffy and the wet washing had been forgotten about and eventually it felt like I could breathe again... I love my husband to the moon and back but there will always be a special place in my heart for the one who saved my life and made me smile, helped me stop cutting, and talked me out of throwing myself under a bus more times than I could count, you deserve the world and I hope the person you married is better than me and can be your everything ❤️
In other news that will surprise absolutely no one who knows me (except my mother apparently by her incredibly unhelpful forms) I most likely have adhd! It took me 5 whole months to fill in the right to choose referral form - a 15 min job and an email - and another month to do the hard bit with the questions but I should be near the top of the waiting list soon and I can't wait for the day I get to start meds that are actually designed to fix the problem 🥳 It's possible that I could actually be superwoman with the right brain chemicals and not a chronically overwhelmed mess living on cereal and hula hoops under her 178 piles of washing she's been saying she'll fold for the last 3 weeks, not to get my hopes up too much but the way I am now is like driving into a wall at 90mph and expecting to walk away without a scratch, something is going to break (again, maybe even to the level of the 2020 breakdown that almost landed me in the mental hellspital where people got stabbed, thank you autism for misunderstanding the definition of suicidal, for once you did me a favour??) My mental health nurse is convinced I'm autistic which i really really did not see coming, I'm on the nhs waiting list for that because what are they realistically going to do except confirm my brain is wired wrong and tell me to have a nice day? So much makes sense now though, between that and adhd all the teeny tiny thorns that stabbed me all through childhood suddenly make sense and tbh I'm angry that no one noticed, from my extreme fear of toilets to my inability to fit in through my whole life and endless detentions for not doing homework, there were neon flashing signs of somethings not right but apparently my parents(aka mum, everyone who knows them knows who wears the trousers in that house) put sunglasses on and pretended everything was fine... growing up as a jw the way I did basically just made my entire life a pressure cooker so very unsurprising it ended with an earth shattering bang and she had the cheek to be surprised? Give me years and years of trauma and make my last memory of you screaming that I'm a slut and my brain is full of horrible things 🙃 she read my diaries that were my major coping mechanism, didnt like what she saw, made me burn them and spent the last year i was with them using my own emotions against me like i wasn't hurting enough while doing everything she could to keep me away from the one person who cared enough to save me
I think this blog is my way of fighting back, like the diary I wanted to keep hidden but sharing it in my own way? Nothing will ever beat sixth form storytime when people used to take it in turns to read my wild wtf is happening dreams (those never stopped!) but for now this the best I can do
My hand is going numb from typing now, maybe see you next time? (If I remember haha)
K x
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