Cats, clothes and never ending pain...

It's been one whole year since we picked up the baby! Manic Pancake is the best behaved cat of the 3 and I'm so happy we got to be his family, from the moment I saw his little face on that photo I knew he was the missing piece we'd been looking for ❤️ he's come so far from the tiny 3 month old someone found on his own in a caravan park eating hedgehog food! He spent the first 3 weeks here hiding under the bed and only coming out to steal my stuff now he's grown into a squeaky ball of love that regularly walks into a room just to scream at us, gets jealous if the others get attention and purrs like a train the second you touch him! He spends lots of time napping in the cat room we built, will sit on a bar stool every night and ekekekek at any reflections from watches or cutlery (we spent a long time assuming he could see ghosts haha) leaves his hair on everything he touches and ate a whole wasp yesterday without getting stung 

Todays job is to keep sorting my clothes, I've been trying to put everything onto an app called indyx (including the ton of stuff I'm slightly too fat for thats in the loft) That makes it much easier to see what I've got and plan outfits without having to dig through drawers and I'm really hoping it helps with the adhd and bpd unstable self thing, what looks right one day feels completely wrong the next so will be good to have a list of photos to choose from! It's taken me nearly 2 months so far because I can't just do a whole job in one go 😭 E is honestly a saint for putting up with me, I'm a chaotic disaster to live with and hate myself for it

Other thing I realised yesterday was that I've been in some kind of mental pain since I was 14/15, I've spent half my life without the ability to feel completely happy! The feeling of being torn in 2 will never completely go away, I went to the JW memorial yesterday and it felt so nice to be back even with my blue hair and tattoos and someone came and sat next to me because she could see I was shaking (realised FAR too late after we started talking, swapped phone numbers and agreed to meet up at some point that she's actually my ex's mother in law, honestly couldn't make this shit up if I tried 🙈 almost went to the later one to avoid looking like a crazy stalker but several people remembered me from last year and its nice not having to explain anything) So much has changed with how things are and I'm desperately trying to untangle my mum from the religion part, my life wasn't all bad but she was the storm cloud following me around making everything feel darker than it had to be... I'm not 100% against going back but E will never understand and I don't think I'm strong enough to turn my life upside down for the second time, would definitely like to go once every couple of months though and basically I'm just a mess as usual... haven't missed my mum for 4 days now, even went though my memory box in the loft and felt nothing for her 🤷‍♀️ I can feel warm and happy about the moments in some photos but overall her as a person is too hard to miss any longer 

Should probably go and do something useful, bye for now 

K x 

Sunshine, spotify and so much sleep...

Last night was the deepest sleep I've had for so long, felt like I woke up on another planet! Only weird dream I could remember was being given some kind of English exam with no instructions, but it was more like an encyclopedia with gaps to fill in and I was doing anything possible to avoid it until I found the page about ikea furniture then suddenly I knew what I was doing 😂 definitely not the strangest I've had recently (one a couple of months back involved my grandma running the mafia from the plant room at our old kingdom hall, no idea where all this comes from!)

The sun is shining and that always helps how I feel about life, does remind me of all the things I should clean but that's a problem for another day haha I've got all the windows open and music playing and clean bedding and 1 out of 3 cats is napping in the sunny spot and I kind of feel like I can breathe for once? Have finally stopped playing music that makes me sad on repeat (mostly country and a safetysuit album that my spotify recommened - that had exactly the right level of misery!) only cried once this morning, tbf wet black silicone is enough to make anyone cry especially when the adhd helped you lose the entire tub of good tools for it and you just want to wash your hair and the magical spray is mostly empty from being spilled over the back of the van so many times 

Might do lots of baking today, it's been a while and I have my lovely new mixer to play with so my stupid arms don't have to do anything that could cause a fibro flare up and cookies make everything better, I'm still the cookie monster and even have the right colour hair atm 😆 

I love having this back, there were 3 people that knew about it and 99.9% sure they've all forgotten, even E doesn't know so if anything happens I'm just gone without leaving paper evidence of feelings - not planning to die but the grim reaper is on a roll atm! I'm still mourning the many many exercise books I got through in sixth form, they had some really funny stuff that's gone forever but no one is burning this bitch anymore (except me because I still have to use a blowtorch sometimes 😆) Just remembered I can add photos and stuff and make this page like a proper secret scrapbook! That's a tomorrow thing though, should probably start on the stack of quotes I've been avoiding for weeks booooooo 👎

Bye for now 

K x 

Death is everywhere

Just when I thought I was getting over some stuff and making progress I end up ugly snot crying all over again, there's another funeral to go to this month and it's for someone I never in a million years would've expected it to happen to and my heart is so completely broken RIP Uncle Nick 💔 

I have a complicated incredibly dysfunctional family and a large chunk of this comes from religion (but not all of it, my cousins husband thought he could fix the rest when he married into it but quickly realised that some things will never change hahaha) I grew up as a JW and my mums family partly were but her sister did what I did 25 years ago and left it all when she met her husband and now he's dead and we last saw them at our wedding 7 years ago and I'm wiping my tears on one of my cats and wishing we'd seen them more and of all the funerals I'd been expecting to go to (haven't had a single one since I left) that didn't even cross my mind, I can't imagine how her and my cousins feel

Todays message digging found the day my grandad died - 14th December 2014... I feel terrible saying this but I'd forgotten the exact date, just knew it was a December and the funeral was early Jan... he'd been really ill for a while but had just been moved to a care home, we were all excited for him to have the room with the big window to see the main road with all the lorries (he used to be a lorry driver for Burtons biscuits) and he didn't survive one night, I was planning to see him when he was in hospital but people said wait 24 hours and he'll be in a much nicer place and I'll never forgive myself for listening, the last time I saw him was in his coffin and I finally got to give him a hug and tell him how much I loved him but that would've been so much better if he was still alive 

Tell the people you love how much you love them every day, you never know when it might be your last chance and there's so many people I wish I could say it to now, I know the disfellowshipped thing is on me but there's a lot of people the other side of that fence that mean a lot to me and I hope they know it 

More tears tomorrow 

K x 

Funerals, silver linings and loaded fries...

I'm back and it's only been 24 hours! Finding this account and writing out my feelings yesterday made so much difference, it's like starting my diaries again but without the angry stab holes 😂 I know people don't read this (if you do leave a comment? Or don't, that might just make me nervous) but letting it get further than my notes app feels like keeping it safe from getting burned and deleted and doesn't bother my long suffering best friend- i am me and I'm so done with trying to bury it to make others happy 

Today was husbands dads mums funeral and one of the most weird awkward things I've been to, that's my 3rd time ever going in a church and the 2nd funeral since I turned my life upside down (the first was nearly 10 years ago and the first time i met most of his mums family so was too nervous to remember details) I hated everything about it, from the weird seat layout to the echoey building with the baby screaming (shout out to my loop earplugs for helping with that!) and this might be the autism speaking but why is everything in such a random order and unclear what is a prayer and what isn't and why did the priest? - Idk what those old guys in dresses are called - have to sing the hymns almost directly into the microphone and muddle up the verses and the whole thing was a weird stand up sit down no instructions socially awkward form of torture and when we walked out at the end everyone was just standing in the road (apparently waiting for the coffin to come out but please just tell us what we're doing especially if it takes 10 minutes) and im not good at dealing with that, his dad was happy we went though and I had the best coffee in the pub after and don't appear to have food poisoning from the horribly runny egg sandwiches and other questionable food choices/the plague from touching anything 🥳 that part was a very good lesson in why I should remember to eat breakfast! Also the elastic in the dress i was wearing snapped 2 mins before we left so I had to wear my other dress but didn't have time to change the uncomfortable strapless bra i no longer needed so had the feeling of being impaled by underwire for the entire day which really helped the mood ffs 

Oops this is getting long and I haven't even got to the main point of todays waffle but my life is a chaotic shitshow so keep reading or dont idc 😂

I've finally accepted how much my mum screwed me up and the full scale of emotional abuse. 

!!!

I've been working on it on and off for a couple of years but spent some more time reading back through the old messages I started on yesterday and some of it is so wtf I can't believe I actually lived through it? We had a codeword for when he wasn't sure it was me typing messages because she regularly took my phone (I was 18 at the time but treated like a suffocated 12 year old), I tried defending her sometimes and it makes me sad that other people could see what she was doing to me but I just thought it was a normal mum thing to do? One time she found me crying on my bedroom floor because I'd finally done what she wanted and tried to tell him it wouldn't work so she gave me chocolate and a lift to the bus stop, naive little me assumed she was trying to cheer me up but it was definitely more like a reward for doing something her way, there were messages where he listed some of the petty and stupid ways she was controlling me and the other major reasons I was struggling and seeing it in black and white like that made something finally just click? It will take a very long time to lose some of the ptsd habits like hiding my phone every time I leave the room (works great with the adhd, i ask Google to find it 100 times a day 😆) and apologising for stupid things like the pan E wants being at the bottom of the drawer, was genuinely worried he'd be mad at the 30 second inconvenience and blame me for putting it there 🥲 

One thing I did finally understand was the 'if you really love someone set them free' and as much as it hurt him at the time in a way I did him a favour - he dodged the mother of all bullets by losing the risk of having that as a mother in law 💔 I know it came from a good place with all the messages of him insisting he'd stand up to her but years and years of it wears you down, I really thought I was strong enough but that was an unsustainable amount of pressure... and what if one day he might have had enough of it and be forced to give up I did and that would've been even messier and... *deep breath*... maybe it wasn't all my fault things went the way they did? 

Off to finish my loaded fries from my favourite takeaway and watch more greys, more brain junk tomorrow 

K x 

Tears, ADHD and a never ending washing pile...

Hey if anyone is reading this? 👋🏻 Guessing no one I knew when I started it will ever see it so might be time for some pure brain dump honesty about how I'm feeling, still a bit rubbish at punctuation but at least I've improved a tiny bit no thanks to the disgusting amount of emails I now have to send 🤣

It started with watching the YMAS documentary live stream thing (RIP joint favourite band I'll miss you 😭 also related  husband rant coming at some point, that man doesnt piss me off very often but aaaarrrrgh sometimes i want to strangle him, also I got married, lots of random life shit to catch up on) got to the 2009-2012 part and kerrang and I wondered if I had any photos of my room back then with their posters, not on my current phone so I went digging back through messenger chats and that was where it all started going wrong, ik I'm very very delayed in actually feeling things but the full scale of 10 year old heartbreak hit me like a fucking train, idk if most people have had their heart shattered like that, there's breakups then there's telling someone you can't be with them after planning a life together, fighting through everything possible and being there for them at every opportunity like flicking a switch off... I did that. I did that to someone who loved me so hard and for so long and didn't deserve any of it and the worst part is I'll never have the chance to explain, I'd give my right arm to meet him for a coffee and tell him how all the pieces of my screwed up life jigsaw came together in a way that broke him into 1000 pieces, the pain of what I did to us has scarred my heart forever 💔 I've been trying and mostly failing to squash down my feelings about this for years but last night something snapped and I finally opened up to my husband about everything that happened before him, I was terrified for years thinking that he'd hate me for it - thank you bpd and ptsd 🙃 - he let me ugly cry all the way home in the van before finally saying I can see how much you loved him, it's okay to be sad and it's like the floodgates opened and I don't have to feel like a criminal for having big feelings anymore so this morning I dug the loom band bracelet he made me 11 years ago out the loft and started scrolling back and back and back with the songs he sent me on repeat until messenger crashed and my eyes were puffy and the wet washing had been forgotten about and eventually it felt like I could breathe again... I love my husband to the moon and back but there will always be a special place in my heart for the one who saved my life and made me smile, helped me stop cutting, and talked me out of throwing myself under a bus more times than I could count, you deserve the world and I hope the person you married is better than me and can be your everything ❤️ 

In other news that will surprise absolutely no one who knows me (except my mother apparently by her incredibly unhelpful forms) I most likely have adhd! It took me 5 whole months to fill in the right to choose referral form - a 15 min job and an email - and another month to do the hard bit with the questions but I should be near the top of the waiting list soon and I can't wait for the day I get to start meds that are actually designed to fix the problem 🥳 It's possible that I could actually be superwoman with the right brain chemicals and not a chronically overwhelmed mess living on cereal and hula hoops under her 178 piles of washing she's been saying she'll fold for the last 3 weeks, not to get my hopes up too much but the way I am now is like driving into a wall at 90mph and expecting to walk away without a scratch, something is going to break (again, maybe even to the level of the 2020 breakdown that almost landed me in the mental hellspital where people got stabbed, thank you autism for misunderstanding the definition of suicidal, for once you did me a favour??) My mental health nurse is convinced I'm autistic which i really really did not see coming, I'm on the nhs waiting list for that because what are they realistically going to do except confirm my brain is wired wrong and tell me to have a nice day? So much makes sense now though, between that and adhd all the teeny tiny thorns that stabbed me all through childhood suddenly make sense and tbh I'm angry that no one noticed, from my extreme fear of toilets to my inability to fit in through my whole life and endless detentions for not doing homework, there were neon flashing signs of somethings not right but apparently my parents(aka mum, everyone who knows them knows who wears the trousers in that house) put sunglasses on and pretended everything was fine... growing up as a jw the way I did basically just made my entire life a pressure cooker so very unsurprising it ended with an earth shattering bang and she had the cheek to be surprised? Give me years and years of trauma and make my last memory of you screaming that I'm a slut and my brain is full of horrible things 🙃 she read my diaries that were my major coping mechanism, didnt like what she saw, made me burn them and spent the last year i was with them using my own emotions against me like i wasn't hurting enough while doing everything she could to keep me away from the one person who cared enough to save me

I think this blog is my way of fighting back, like the diary I wanted to keep hidden but sharing it in my own way? Nothing will ever beat sixth form storytime when people used to take it in turns to read my wild wtf is happening dreams (those never stopped!) but for now this the best I can do 

My hand is going numb from typing now, maybe see you next time? (If I remember haha)

K x